Battle of the Sexes
by pinksnail
Summary: The Battle of the Sexes is on! After the men of team Natsu offended the women's dignity, the girls are set on proving their genders the best, in doing so they get the whole guild involved! What good outcome could possibly come from this?
1. How these things start

**This is one of the four Fairy Tail Fan Fictions I'm writing at the moment along with my main one, Ruler of the stars. Depending on which one of these four (A Very Happy Christmas, Dance Competition, Battle of the Sexes and Kick, Punch, Kiss) gets the most alerts or favourites, I'll focus on writing two that are most popular, with Ruler of the Stars.**

**With that out of the way, Enjoy!**

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**Battle of the Sexes**

Team Natsu had just come back from a mission, where a wealthy client had offered to pay them 500,000 Jewels if they could defeated the monster that terrorised his village. Unfortunately for Lucy, Natsu and Gray had ended up freezing and burning down the town hall in their fight with the monster. The client had turned out to be the mayor of the town so he wasn't too pleased that his work place had been destroyed. The mayor refused to pay them anything, telling them through gritted teeth "This money will be needed in the rebuild of the town hall, so regrettably you will not be receiving any reward. Now, good day to you all!"

Lucy was fuming at the fact that she had lost out on all that rent money, and it didn't help that Natsu and Happy had ate through her entire food stock that morning. Erza was also enraged at the fire and ice mage since they had squished her strawberry cake, she had ordered from the dining car on the train ride home, rendering it completely inedible. The two women had given the trouble makers quite a beating but were still not satisfied. They complained all the way back to their guild; they still criticized as they sat at Fairy Tail's bar.

Mira leant on the bar top and asked, with a curious expression on her face "What have they done this time?"

"Destroyed a Town Hall. My rent money is now being used to rebuild it." Lucy answered, glaring at the two males on their team, who currently looked annoyed and fed up, due to Erza and Lucy's constant complaints and the fact that they were coved in injuries. And that was only a small punishment from the scarlet haired demon.

"And annihilated my strawberry cheesecake!" Erza added.

"My, my, don't you too ever learn?" Mira smiled at the bruised mages, she was enjoying watching them suffer very much.

"Aye!" trilled Happy, also taking pleasure watching the scene.

Natsu who had finally had enough stood up and announced "Women are so annoying!"

"Yeah, you should be grateful to us!" agreed Gray.

"Why, should we be grateful to you?" Lucy snapped "You've completely ruined our day!"

"Because if it wasn't for us, you wouldn't have completed that mission!" Natsu replied smugly.

"What exactly are you insinuating?" Erza growled.

"That boys are stronger than girls." Gray declared "We're the superior sex!"

"Yeah, right!" Lucy scoffed, laughing at Gray's comment.

"What's so funny about that? You know it's true." Gray smirked

"We'll just see about that!" Erza said "We're going to prove that girls are stronger in battle and everything else than boys!"

"Bring it on!" The two men snarled.

"You rally the men, Lucy and I will gather the women." Erza told them "Tomorrow we'll fight it out in any way possible to find out who exactly is the better gender! Meet here at noon, the contest begins then."

"We'll be here!" Natsu and Gray said.

"This is so exciting." Mira squealed "Happy since you're not exactly men or women, I'm putting you, Carla and Lily in charge of this event."

"Don't you want to organise this Mira?" Happy asked confused, as the bar maid usually liked to have every Fairy Tail occasion under her personal control.

"Oh No Happy, not this time... This time I'll be participating." Mira giggled menacingly "Now if you don't mind Happy, I've got to assemble some ladies." She skipped off to the closest group of girls, which consisted of Levy, Juvia and Wendy, to tell them the news. Happy had a sinister feeling of foreboding as he watched the disturbingly cheerful take over mage chat.

"This... Will not end well..." Happy thought to himself.


	2. Day 1, Round 1

**Stuff it! I'm just going to write all the stories. I can't be bothered to wait and see what ones people like the most. It's the holidays anyway, so I've got lots of time to spare.**

**In this chapter you may have to refer back to the different lists, as the comments contradict each other a lot. You'll see what I mean when you read it...**

**Now with that out of the way, Enjoy!**

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The men of Fairy Tail stood in the Guild Hall waiting for the arrival of the women. They were becoming inpatient and started to complain.

"Gray I thought Erza told you to meet them here at noon?" Jet said

"They did!" Gray answered "Give them another minuet and if they're not here by then, we win the contest by default."

"That's not exactly the way I'd hope we'd win..." Max grumbled.

Then the clock stuck twelve.

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

Bong!

The clock's bells rung echoed through the silent hall, the men looked around for the sight of a woman but could see no skirts, hair accessories or breasts.

"Ha! I knew they wouldn't come!" exclaimed Natsu "They chickened out!"

"Who said we were chickening out of anything?" The men's heads snapped to the direction of the voice. The guild doors had been flung open and there stood Lucy and Erza, backed up by every other woman in Fairy Tail. Some of the males flinched at the sight; they could already sense their competitive (and maybe slightly bloodthirsty) aurora seeping from their bodies. Like Natsu all fired up, but worse.

"So you finally decide to turn up." Gajeel smirked

"We were afraid you would be too scared to face us. But we couldn't blame you if you were." Laxus added haughtily.

"Oh you should be afraid, very afraid Laxus." Mira gave a chilling chuckle. Every one gave Mira frightened looks, even the women that surrounded Mira stepped a few paces away from her.

"Are the girls here?" A small blue Exceed beamed, nobody answered him as they were still preoccupied with Mira's freaky laugh. Happy was holding a microphone and wearing a heavily sequined suit that made him look like a living disco ball. "Great! Lily, role the camera."

"What has Fairy Tail come too?" Lily sighed, pressing the record button on his portable video camera.

Lily gave Happy his cue to start. Happy grinned to the camera and announced "Hello! Welcome to the show where you root for your favourite gender. I declare that the Battle of the Sexes is now officially on! I'm your host Happy the Exceed. My co-host Carla will now tell you more about the events that are to come." Happy motioned for Lily to point the camera in Carla's direction. The she-cat tried desperately to escape but Happy gripped on to her tightly.

"Happy, this is just silly." Carla hissed.

"No its not, its entertainment." Happy answered merrily

"Happy why do we even have to film this?" She hissed again

"So we can watch and re-watch the guild of Fairy Tail seriously embarrass themselves over and over again if we have it on film." Happy told her. "Now work with the camera Carla, work with the camera. And remember this is all on film; don't do anything you'll regret now."

Carla sighed as she knew she would look an even bigger idiot trying to flee the he-cat so she sighed and tugged on her disgusting, sparkling dress Happy had gave her. Her face was flushed with anger and humiliation but she kept her cool and put on a fake smile. She just kept thinking to herself "I'll get my revenge on the he-cat later..."

"I'm Carla the co-host of this show and I will be filling you in on the events to come, "Carla stated, "This contest will take place over a few days and each day there will be different competitions for the Fairy's. Both sexes will nominate a player for some tasks and others will be in small groups or even everyone."

"Thank you Carla." Happy said, Lily pointed the camera back at him. Happy zoomed down to where the two genders stood growling and snarling at each other, like a pack of hungry wolves. Happy was glad he wouldn't be taking part in this.

"This is an announcement to everyone competing in the battle of the sexes; today will be focused on insults! The first half will be itemized insults about the things that make the opposite sex bad. Write these down, after you have came up with your insults pick a representative to read them out. The team who comes up with the most insults that the Exceed judges accept, will win. You will have 20 minutes to prepare them. Start Now!" Happy shrilled.

The two teams quickly gathered around two large tables, provided by the Exceeds. They muttered their ideas to each other and soon began to write them down. After the 20 minutes had gone Happy called the guild members to order. "Your 20 minutes time is up! Please stop writing and send your representatives to the stage." Happy informed.

Kinana and Max walked up on to the stage, in front of the two tables, and took a seat a few metres away from each other. They gave each other nervous glances as they sat in front of their guild mates, they both weren't usually the type to out rightly offend people but they didn't dare say no to it because of the two looming figures of S-class mages. Even now Laxus and Erza glared at the Max and Kinana.

"Ladies first..." Max suggested.

"Alright..." Kinana agreed hesitantly, she then coughed to clear her throat " Err, this is the list of things girls hate about boys:

Men are perverts.

Elfman was looking at my boobs the other day; it was creepy, from Evergreen.

They have bad hygiene.

They think they're really cool but end up making a fool of themselves.

When they do this they embarrass us, especially in public.

They have bad manners, in everything.

They destroy stuff, like buildings and cakes, from Lucy and Erza.

They say what they think.

And they do stuff without thinking.

They play practical jokes on us that backfire on them.

They're stupid.

They act like they own us.

They're messy.

They don't even try to do house work, it's like they're allergic to it or something.

They get girls pregnant, then girls have to carry the baby around for nine months.

They can't follow instructions

They think they can do stuff when actually, they can't.

They steal stuff from us, and all my alcohol, from Cana.

They mistreat they're daughters, from Cana and Lucy.

They don't understand love.

They never take no as an answer, they don't accept our opinions and force us into doing things we don't want to."

"I agree with that last comment." Carla growled, placing her hands on her hips and scowling at happy.

"What! I'm not even a man!" Happy exclaimed

"You act like one!" She snapped back

"Err-Well-Anyway... That was a long list, I wonder if the boys will be able to top it." Happy said to the camera, still trying to make sense of what Carla had just said.

Max gulped, tugging at his collar and started to read "Well... This is a list of what boys hate about girls:

They're moany and whiney, really annoying, from Natsu

They get angry a lot!

When they do get angry they verbally or physically abuse you.

They hog everything, like all the alcohol which then forces us to steal it, from Macao and Wakaba

They wear revealing clothes, like prostitutes.

When they do this random people always come up to them and act all pervy, so it's down to protect them from such things. But annoyingly they seem to enjoy the attention from those old perverts.

Also, when they show too much cleavage, bits of food sometimes gets stuck in it so that you can't help but stare at it and think about how gross it is, from Elfman.

They're always asking us to do stuff, also annoying.

They treat us like dogs on a leash and never let us have any fun.

They always over think stuff.

They never say what's on their minds, which just confuses us men.

They shop too much.

They worry too much.

They wash too much.

They're stalkers.

They don't know how to have fun.

They get themselves into trouble and we have to save them.

They're expectations of a man are too high.

They never have the guts to tell us something, so they just wait for a life threatening moment to tell you, like if they were your own daughter or whatever, from Gildarts.

They just don't understand us."

"The guys missed out on winning by one insult, sorry boys, but congratulations women!" Happy bubbled "And if you're wondering why your score is one less than the list you had girls, is because your second comment did not count as it was just backing up the first insult. But you still won, so it doesn't matter anyway. But remember boys there are still more events to come, maybe you'll be in the lead after the next battle."

Evergreen was muttering that it should count but the rest of the girls were ecstatic, they were hugging and screaming in glee.

"I just come up with another one." Gray told the slightly depressed and humiliated men "They're noisy."

"Couldn't you have come up with that one a bit earlier, snow cone?" Natsu sighed.

"Shut up, flame freak." Gray retorted without much enthusiasm, slumping across the table top.

"Stop acting so glum!" Macao ordered "Remember we're the superior sex. We'll win the next round for sure."

"Yeah, your right!" Gray said lifting his chin from the wooden surface it had been resting on.

"We'll win the next one!" The men declared, pumping their fits into the air "For sure!"


	3. Day 1, Round 2

**Here is the 3rd chapter to Battle of the sexes! Yay!**

**Just to let you know the scores are so far:**

**Girls-1**

**Boys-0**

**But this may change. It's still only the first day and there's two rounds everyday! ****(I'll be showing the scores every chapter)**

**Now with that out of the way, enjoy!**

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"Day 1, Round 2!" Happy called the members of Fairy Tail before the stage "The second round of insults will be individualized insults. You will pick one representative who will have to offend the representative of the opposite sex. You will keep firing insults at each other until one has a reaction. The first to react will lose. In the last round the girls claimed the first win; will the boys be able to catch up?"  
The girls and boys gathered into two huddles at opposite sides of the room. "How about Cana?" Lucy asked "She's the best at offending people here."  
"Mmm... Yeah, but she not really in any state right now..." said Bisca.  
The girls looked over to the card mage who was slumped over one of the bar stools, drooling slightly.  
"Yeah, you're right..."  
"What about Evergreen?" suggested Lisanna.  
"I can do it!" said Evergreen  
"You have the spirit, Evergreen." Said Mira "But I'm not sure if you'll be able to deliver the insults at the crucial moment..."

_Flashback (in the guild hall, about a week ago, lunch time)…  
"I can't believe you spent all our reward money on an exercise ball!" Evergreen yelled to her two team mates. "You guys are so selfish!"  
"We aren't selfish. We got that exercise ball for you." said Bickslow.  
"What!" growled Evergreen.  
"We thought an exercise ball would benefit you the most. I've also arranged a special diet program for you." explained Freed.  
"Arrgh! You're such a fart heads!" Evergreen said before storming off.  
End of flashback._

"Mmm, not the most creative of insults..." Levy agreed with the bar maid.  
"Levy-Chan! Why don't you do it?!" said Lucy.  
"Yeah!" the women chimed.  
"Me?!" Levy gasped pointing to herself "No. No, no, no. I can't do it!"  
"But Levy-chan, you're best suited for it." Lucy beamed.  
"How?!" Levy exclaimed.  
"Levy can come up with the cleverest insults." said Juvia  
"You'll be able to work out something that'll really upset them." added Bisca  
"With you," Lisanna finished "We can't lose!"  
"I don't really... Want... to..." Levy trailed off under the scornful gaze of Erza and Mira "Ok!" She squeaked.

"Right, who's gonna do this one?" asked Gray.  
"Gajeel." all the men answered.  
"What?! Why me?!" Gajeel said.  
"Because you've got the foulest mouth here." answered Gray.  
"Your always rude." said Droy.  
"Your always loud." said Elfman.  
"And you always swear." said Gildarts.  
"Fair enough." Gajeel shrugged.

"Have you picked your representatives?" Happy asked the men and women.  
"Hai!" they answered  
"Good, send them out." The exceed told the two groups.  
From the two huddles, out were pushed the tiny script mage and hulking iron dragon slayer.  
They took a good look at their opponents and stood frozen in shock.  
"Oh no! Not Gajeel!" Levy thought  
"Oh Fuck! Not shrimp!" Gajeel thought  
"Lily! Lily!" Happy called the camera exceed over "Get a close up on each of them! Their faces are priceless." Happy fluttered down to wear Levy and Gajeel stood. The he-cat cleared his throat, snapping the two mages out of their trances. "Are you ready?" The exceed asked. Levy and Gajeel both gave a slight nod. They were going to have to do this even if they didn't want to. "Levy will start. On your marks... Get set... Insult!"  
"You use poor language and grammar!" exclaimed Levy.  
"Ooooooh, burn!" said Lucy.  
Erza shook her head. "No Lucy... Just no..."  
"Come on Levy, you can do better than that!" cheered Mira  
Gajeel's face was blank. Levy would have to do a lot better than that to get a reaction out of Gajeel, but Levy really didn't want to be rude to him.

Now it was Gajeel's turn… "Bookworm!" he yelled.

"Gajeel!" called Gray "You call her that on a daily basis, I don't think it will offend her. Gajeel sighed knowing he was going to have to do this properly, or would be hunted down by the men of Fairy Tail for the rest of his life. He would never have another peaceful moment.

Back to Levy… "Metal headed freak!"

To Gajeel… "Fuk'in shrimp!"

Levy… "You're hair looks like an inhabited bird's nest!"

Gajeel… "You're hair looks like you had an accident in the science labs!"

Levy… "Fat ogre!"

Gajeel… "Well, YOU'RE probably too short to get on any of the rides at the amusement parks!"

Levy… "Ha! Say's the person who would probably SCARE OFF everyone at the amusement park!"

Right that did it. That comment really ticked Gajeel off. He was pull'in out the big guns. "The stories you read lack structure and dramatic tension. There is no interest for the reader in them. The dialogue is unorganized and is not thoroughly thought out; they don't fit the character's profiles. The emotional language is not gripping and do not contain enough description."

"Eh?" all the members of Fairy Tail were looking at Gajeel like he was crazed, except Levy…

Levy gasped and drew back, her eyes watering.

"Nooooo, Levy-chan!" cried Lucy

"We lost." sighed the women.

"Gajeel that is low, even for you!" Levy spat "And to think you, PantherLily and I attended Friday Book Club together! It makes me sick!" Levy turned on her heel and ran from the guild, leaving only a small puddle of water from her tears. Gajeel was waving his arm franticly, blushing madly.

"Book Club?" the guild echoed vacantly.

Happy raised an eyebrow at the Exceed behind the camera.

"I thought it would be a good influence for him." Lily shrugged.

"I-It's not what y-you think! I can explain!" Gajeel stammered desperately.

Silence.

"Bwha Ha!" Natsu guffawed at Gajeel's humiliation "Book Club? Ha Ha!"

"S-Shut up!"

Soon the rest of the guilds were in hysterics Gajeel attending a book club. Natsu could just imagine it.

_Inside Natsu's head…_

_Beautified versions of Gajeel and Levy along with PantherLily sitting in an enchanted meadow, surrounded by baby lambs and blooming flowers._

"_I just love English Literature, my shrimp." Gajeel gushes, grasping on to the script mages hand._

_Levy blushes and giggles "Oh, Gajeel-kun. I feel like we're in our very own romance novel. You are the brave prince and I am the runaway slave girl. You rescued me from the evil villain, with the help of your noble steed."_

"_I'm a cat." said Lily._

"_But we can never be together!" Levy cried dramatically "For a prince cannot marry a mere slave like me. They would exile me from this country if we were to be found out about. Oh, how cruel fate is, that we are destined to be apart."_

"_Then we shall absconder together, to a place where we can live happily in peace." Gajeel declared._

"_Where? Where would that place be?" Levy asked, wide-eyed._

"_The Library." Gajeel answered smoothly, brushing his lips against Levy's hand "We can join a Book Club and live contently forever."_

"_Oh, Gajeel-kun." Levy swooned, falling into Gajeel's arms._

"_My, shrimp." Gajeel embraced her tightly._

_Outside of Natsu's head..._

"Gaaaaa! What is this mind trickery is this!" Natsu hollered, grasping locks of his pink hair and tugging at them violently "Get this sappy stuff out of my head! Itami! Itami! Itami! Itami! Itami!" Natsu was repeatedly banging his head on the closest pillar. "...Itami! Itami! I need to get rid of this schmaltzy!"

"Sometimes I worry about him..." Lucy conferred to Happy behind her hand.

"Un..." Happy sighed in agreement.


End file.
